Written by: Erin Voith, Registered Clinical Counsellor at Peak Resilience
Book a session with me | erin.voith.counselling@gmail.com
Attachment wounds can disrupt our relationships and impact our self-efficacy and self-worth. While there is more than one path to recovery, developing our emotional regulation skills is an important part of the puzzle. By emotional regulation, I do not mean maintaining a constantly calm state. Instead, what I am referring to is the ability to accurately detect our emotions and use the information they provide to effectively solve problems.
As we have previously learned, anxiously attached individuals tend to amplify their emotional experiences, in order to more reliably garner external support. Conversely, avoidantly attached individuals tend to suppress their emotional experiences in order to avoid needing support from others. A more securely attached way to move through emotion might look like this (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2016):
First, in a moment of distress, take a little time to feel and identify the relevant current emotion. This step may come more easily to those who are anxiously attached, and may require more practice from those who are avoidantly attached.
Second, consider if there is any adaptive problem solving, self-soothing, or reappraising you can do that would address the emotion or the situation. This type of strategizing may come more readily to an avoidant vs an anxiously attached person.
Third, consider if there is anyone who is safe to turn to. Can someone offer tangible help, a different perspective on the problem, or simply provide you with some care or understanding?
Lastly, if the person you turn to is unable to meet your needs, can you tolerate, or manage, this experience, without falling into self-blame, panic, or ruminating negative beliefs about others?
I’ll admit, it’s all easier said than done. Often, even as adults, we only learn these skills through positive relationships. Part of a therapist’s work is to provide the emotional attunement, clarity, and consistency that was missing in so many childhoods (Brown and Elliot, 2016).
There is one last point that I would like to leave you with. Secure attachment is often idealized as a superior way of being, and considered an ultimate goal or final stage of development. I can assure you that secure individuals still experience self-doubt, overreactions, and difficulties communicating. There is no “perfectly regulated” person who possesses constant grace and control. Growing and becoming more emotionally mature just means we continue to increase our capacity for reflection, for proactive behaviors, for intimacy, and for self-compassion.
If you want to chat more, feel free to book a free 15 minute phone consultation with me.
Or email me: erin.voith.counselling@gmail.com
References:
Brown, D., & Elliott, D.S. (2016). Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair. W.W. Norton and Company.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
