Written by: Erin Voith, Registered Clinical Counsellor at Peak Resilience
Book a session with me | erin.voith.counselling@gmail.com
Loss and grief are natural human experiences that can stem from a wide range of events. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a change in health, or even a move, a significant loss can leave you feeling like you’re spinning out. After a loss, you might expect to feel sad. Perhaps you anticipated feeling angry or anxious. What can be harder to predict is how disorienting a loss can be. This is because some losses affect your fundamental sense of self.
Sometimes, there is an immediate impact on the way you identify. You may ask yourself “Who am I without this person? Without this role? Without my former abilities?” Worden (2018) distinguishes these external adjustments from more internal ones. For example, you are likely to experience intense emotions, and face new parts of yourself in the process. Some of these parts may be welcome, others unsettling. Many find that their values change. What once felt important
can suddenly seem irrelevant, while new desires and priorities emerge. Your perception of control? Shattered. Plans, expectations, and hopes for the future are also likely to change.
Meanwhile, life continues – often with major responsibilities still demanding your attention. How can you meet these demands, when you’ve lost your internal compass? How can you start to reassemble yourself? While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, here are some thoughts that may help.
- Get clear on your priorities and what must be done, and accept that you will have less capacity than normal to do the rest. Are there children or pets that need your care? Do bills demand your attention? Give what energy you have to the things that are non-negotiable. It can even be grounding to focus on “musts”.
- Accept help. Lean into the supports you have – friends, family, community, therapy, doctors. It can be vulnerable to let others pick up the slack that you can’t manage. But if there are resources available to you, make use of them. And if it’s difficult for you to accept care, know that when you are more steady, you can pay it forward.
- As much as may be possible, rest and do what feels natural. You may feel called to try new things, or to visit old comforts. You may crave time with others, or time in solitude. What feels restorative might not be what you expect or what has been typical for you, since, as we discussed, you are changing! The exercise is to listen in and determine what
you need now. - Lastly, allow the process the time it needs. Our values, beliefs, and personality naturally shift over time, but few things catalyze such quick and significant change as a major loss (Marris, 2014). You’re not likely to reestablish who you were, but you’re also unlikely to feel so lost forever. If you are mostly meeting those external demands, and sometimes taking small chances to reconsolidate and rediscover yourself, then you are managing. Sometimes that’s all you can ask of yourself.
If you want to chat more, feel free to book a free 15 minute phone consultation with me.
Or email me: erin.voith.counselling@gmail.com
References:
Marris, P. (2014). Loss and Change (Psychology Revivals): Revised Edition (1st ed.). Routledge.
https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315755397
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner. Springer Publishing Company.
